Honesty.

When you don't believe that there is a God anymore. When you've lost the security of what you thought was real and you thought was the reason for life. She's thrown in the towel, or has she? She almost just gave up and called it quits. She's searching and wanting to find something real and something of value. I sat there nearly weeping, wishing that I had some answer to give her. Why do I believe? She's labeled herself a pagan.

This whole God thing I have yet to figure out. Maybe it's not something that is to be figured out but rather lived out. Maybe that's just a "Christian answer". I don't know that I'm ready to be honest with my unbelief or honest with what I want or who I am. For those things I don't yet know I'm not sure I'm ready for any sort of change. Yet, somehow, I can't stay the same. It hurts too much. It is too deep and has been far too long.
"Change does not occur until the pain of staying the same is more than the pain of change" ~GAFRI Leadership training.

God wants the best for us, right? So, what if that means giving up something or someone you love? Are we just supposed to grin and bear it? "well, since you know best... go ahead, I'll be okay eventually." I am stuck between trusting him or me running my own life. I'm pretty sure that trusting him will be more pleasant. Yet somehow I can't let my grip up. I'm holding on so tight that my hands ache with the clenching of my fists.

Ken was right, "she doesn't need simple answers". This world is full of simple answers that just don't cut it anymore. Here I am again, not fully understanding anything about the way my life is at the moment. Will I ever get out of this darkness? What will I choose? To change and be changed? To let go and somehow begin to trust? To be honest?