I'd been waiting

I'd been waiting to post until I thought I had something of worth, or profound, or even simply good news to share. I don't know that I've actually got "that" now but I'm sick of waiting for the right time to come along. So, I'm here. Life is crazy and unpredictable and emotional. I'm not thinking of one thing in particular. But, it seems to me that people's feelings, perceptions, desires, and life can all change is such a short period of time that I'm not sure what I can depend on and what things to just be satisfied that I have them for this moment. I mean, if someone says that they love me how do I know that I can depend on that same depth of love next week? If a good friend moves a far distance from me how do I know I will still have that friend in a year? I'm not sure I'm ready for any of what this life has to offer me in the way of change anytime soon. I don't want my friends to become distant memories. I'm not sure I can handle love that I want and expect to be like a well that has run dry. No, I'm not having some life crisis, at least not right now. Maybe it would be easier if I was. I'd have something a bit more concrete to figure out a solution for, wouldn't I? I used to hate the old high school yearbook cliche of "Don't ever change". That always made me just a little upset at such a naive and ridiculous phrase. I have no answers. Or maybe I do and I just don't want to face up to the reality of it. Maybe this is a nagging fear that things will never be exactly how I want them to be and even if it will be it won't last long.

I guess I really need to just come to the place where I begin depending on God and not people for what my life holds. And, I suppose it would help for me to quit worrying over how long this moment will last rather than enjoying it fully. I think I'm just scared of what my choices and changes I make and how that will affect the people around me. I think I'm scared of what choices and changes the people around me will make and how they will affect me.

So, I guess that is what I've been waiting to post and I'm not even sure I want to post it now cuz it will somehow be more real since I've actually acknowledged it and written it all out. I guess you wouldn't even know if I deleted it, would you? hmmm....