A thousand thoughts race through my mind as I decide I need to write something, anything perhaps. I feel the urge to somehow attempt to express what it is I feel in the midst of my life right now.
I want a faith of my own. Not knowing exactly what that means or what faith really is I find myself saying, "Where can I find a dictionary?" when I'm almost certain that Webster's just won't suffice. I want to know what I believe and the reason to believe it. I realize there are not answers to all the questions of the world. But, I want enough understanding of what this life that God intended for me to live really looks like. I want to really get "IT". And IT being grace and what my identity in Christ is, and why God is ok with me when I screw up though I won't believe He is and will barely face myself in the mirror because if I shame myself maybe God will see that I'm sorry and will somehow be alright with me again. I want to believe that nothing I do can make God anymore pleased with me or more proud of me than he already is. I want to believe in the mystery that i am already made perfect. Though I can't see it, my Lord can't see anything but it. I want to grasp the whole concept of me not being able to earn my way into Heaven or being able to get any closer to God. It makes sense and I think it is true. I mean, if the Holy Spirit lives inside of me like it is promised; than how can I possibly get any closer than that? It's true, I just can't make it real in my life yet.
I want to know how I feel about communion and the number of times we should partake in a month's time. I want to know why it is a common practice to only (mostly) do the "church" thing on Sunday-and early in the morning at that! Does God not accept our praise on Thursdays at 5pm? How about Tuesdays at 6:30? Cuz I'm beginning to think he's quite ok with it. I want to know why my brother has written us all off as hypocrites and has left his life as a believer in the distant past. I want to know why we're so damn pious and we have the need to feel like we're right all the time. I want to be genuine and compassionate and loveing. I want to admit when I am wrong in a humble and honest way. I want to acknowledge that I probably look like a big fat hypocrite most or at least some of the time (especially to someone not willing to get to know me). But, I also want to trust that even though I screw up that that does not reflect the wholeness of God. Just because I screw up doesn't mean God forgot to do something when I became a believer. I want to be more concerned with the person rather than what it looks like if word gets out that this person does a lot of things they "shouldn't" do. I want to care more about the homosexual that doesn't know of Jesus' love or this thing called grace rather than perplexed and upset that a Christian can be a homosexual. I want to care more about them and how their life is than what it looks like for them to have homosexuality be apart of their life.
I want to not be so afraid of death. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I believe it, but why can't I take hold of it? I want to know what I should be doing right now in order to better my future and/or make life worth it right now. As it has been said, "I need a God who makes a difference, right now in my life right here." I know that I have that God...I just need to figure out how to go about thinking that this whole Christian thing is not only a ticket into heaven but it is also to make my life abundant right now. I want to live this life the way that God intended for me to live it.
"Help us to live in You. Help that to be enough." ~ben gregory
I want a faith of my own. Not knowing exactly what that means or what faith really is I find myself saying, "Where can I find a dictionary?" when I'm almost certain that Webster's just won't suffice. I want to know what I believe and the reason to believe it. I realize there are not answers to all the questions of the world. But, I want enough understanding of what this life that God intended for me to live really looks like. I want to really get "IT". And IT being grace and what my identity in Christ is, and why God is ok with me when I screw up though I won't believe He is and will barely face myself in the mirror because if I shame myself maybe God will see that I'm sorry and will somehow be alright with me again. I want to believe that nothing I do can make God anymore pleased with me or more proud of me than he already is. I want to believe in the mystery that i am already made perfect. Though I can't see it, my Lord can't see anything but it. I want to grasp the whole concept of me not being able to earn my way into Heaven or being able to get any closer to God. It makes sense and I think it is true. I mean, if the Holy Spirit lives inside of me like it is promised; than how can I possibly get any closer than that? It's true, I just can't make it real in my life yet.
I want to know how I feel about communion and the number of times we should partake in a month's time. I want to know why it is a common practice to only (mostly) do the "church" thing on Sunday-and early in the morning at that! Does God not accept our praise on Thursdays at 5pm? How about Tuesdays at 6:30? Cuz I'm beginning to think he's quite ok with it. I want to know why my brother has written us all off as hypocrites and has left his life as a believer in the distant past. I want to know why we're so damn pious and we have the need to feel like we're right all the time. I want to be genuine and compassionate and loveing. I want to admit when I am wrong in a humble and honest way. I want to acknowledge that I probably look like a big fat hypocrite most or at least some of the time (especially to someone not willing to get to know me). But, I also want to trust that even though I screw up that that does not reflect the wholeness of God. Just because I screw up doesn't mean God forgot to do something when I became a believer. I want to be more concerned with the person rather than what it looks like if word gets out that this person does a lot of things they "shouldn't" do. I want to care more about the homosexual that doesn't know of Jesus' love or this thing called grace rather than perplexed and upset that a Christian can be a homosexual. I want to care more about them and how their life is than what it looks like for them to have homosexuality be apart of their life.
I want to not be so afraid of death. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I believe it, but why can't I take hold of it? I want to know what I should be doing right now in order to better my future and/or make life worth it right now. As it has been said, "I need a God who makes a difference, right now in my life right here." I know that I have that God...I just need to figure out how to go about thinking that this whole Christian thing is not only a ticket into heaven but it is also to make my life abundant right now. I want to live this life the way that God intended for me to live it.
"Help us to live in You. Help that to be enough." ~ben gregory
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