Real Life Stuff

A few of you may know of my friend, Christine. Her uncle (mark) had been battling a brain tumor for quite some time. Last week Mark died, at least an earthly death. Since his death and funeral and such lots of hurt feelings have come to the surface in their family. I don't know details and wouldn't care to share them anyhow. But, I know that this time is difficult and made increasingly more difficult with the friction amoung the family. I love her and I care about her and her family a lot. If you are able and willing I ask for your prayers for a member of our family.

About two weeks ago I found out that my grandpa (my mom's dad) has a cancerous tumor on his eye. I was told that they would scrape out the tumor and put in a radiation patch to see if that would be beneficial. Since that short time ago it is apparent that the tumor has greatly enlarged in size. So much so that what they were originally going to do is no longer an a viable option. This Friday my grandpa will be having surgery to remove his eye. My mom has also told me that there are at least two or three other "spots" that they have found on an ultrasound. I have no idea what the prognosis will be. Please keep my grandpa and my family in your prayers and in your hearts. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for loving.

I'd been waiting

I'd been waiting to post until I thought I had something of worth, or profound, or even simply good news to share. I don't know that I've actually got "that" now but I'm sick of waiting for the right time to come along. So, I'm here. Life is crazy and unpredictable and emotional. I'm not thinking of one thing in particular. But, it seems to me that people's feelings, perceptions, desires, and life can all change is such a short period of time that I'm not sure what I can depend on and what things to just be satisfied that I have them for this moment. I mean, if someone says that they love me how do I know that I can depend on that same depth of love next week? If a good friend moves a far distance from me how do I know I will still have that friend in a year? I'm not sure I'm ready for any of what this life has to offer me in the way of change anytime soon. I don't want my friends to become distant memories. I'm not sure I can handle love that I want and expect to be like a well that has run dry. No, I'm not having some life crisis, at least not right now. Maybe it would be easier if I was. I'd have something a bit more concrete to figure out a solution for, wouldn't I? I used to hate the old high school yearbook cliche of "Don't ever change". That always made me just a little upset at such a naive and ridiculous phrase. I have no answers. Or maybe I do and I just don't want to face up to the reality of it. Maybe this is a nagging fear that things will never be exactly how I want them to be and even if it will be it won't last long.

I guess I really need to just come to the place where I begin depending on God and not people for what my life holds. And, I suppose it would help for me to quit worrying over how long this moment will last rather than enjoying it fully. I think I'm just scared of what my choices and changes I make and how that will affect the people around me. I think I'm scared of what choices and changes the people around me will make and how they will affect me.

So, I guess that is what I've been waiting to post and I'm not even sure I want to post it now cuz it will somehow be more real since I've actually acknowledged it and written it all out. I guess you wouldn't even know if I deleted it, would you? hmmm....

Love is more than just a feeling.

O Mwadi Wakanaka

Tim and I went to CCiPH on Sunday for the gathering of the Saints. (hehe, now isn't that much more interesting than "CHURCH"?) I found myself strangely following along to worship songs in other languages. At first it was fairly awkward and I was just fumbling through. As we continued to sing I began to see the simplicity and beauty in it. I can't even remember any of the words of the first song that we sang together. Sitting there in that beautiful building and singing a beautiful song to our beautiful Lord...It was good. We sang another song, that possibly originates from Africa (I have forgotten), and it translates to God is so good. O Mwadi Wakanaka.

On another similar note, this weekend was really good. It was really good to spend time with Tim. (for those of you that care to know it was 40 days since we had seen each other) At some point over the weekend I realized that I loved Tim more after this weekend than I did before the weekend began. I told him I "appreciated" him more. Looking back on what I said, I'm not sure that appreciate is really the word that fits. I think it is just that I love him in a deeper way now. Nevertheless, it was good. (and he brought me daisies!) hehe. I could go on and on about the little things that made this weekend so special but I won't. Well, at least not in this format.
"he now showed them the full extent of his love"...and "he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." (John 13) Tim washed my feet this weekend, literally. It was strange and intimate and amazing all at the same time. And to think, I almost didn't let him.

O Mwadi Wakanaka. (God is so good) Not just because I had a really good weekend. And not only because I have really amazing friends in my life. It is everything about Him that makes him so good. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

*happy sigh* Thank you for being a part of my life. May there be peace with you.

I'm still amazed

I kept looking back. My eyes were drawn to the sky, the beautiful and expansive sky. Vibrant red and a stunning blue gave off a glow just above the rolling green hills. I wanted so bad to just stop and take a picture before it was too late, before the moment of perfection would pass. Somehow, I know even though I was able to take a decent picture it won't be enough. I love taking pictures, I always have and I suppose I always will. Though, I'm finding that even as hard as I try I really cannot capture my life on film. As I type I look around my desk and see the photographs that I have posted around my otherwise mundane cubicle. There's this great one of our (family) dog, Cleo, licking my mom's face as she is laughing and has a huge grin. It makes me smile every time I see it. There's another of myself, Sarah and Stephanie in front of Cape Hatteras lighthouse in North Carolina taken this spring. There's pictures of me and Tim and one of myself and Christine and another one of my family taken at Thanksgiving dinner last year. My pictures don't encompass my entire life. (maybe that's speaking volumes about my photography skills, huh?) I haven't captured the unspoken joy of my cousin holding her newborn or the tender prayer lifted up when a friend was going through a really hard time. I have yet to snap a photo that really shows my love for my family and friends. There are many things that I don't and can't have pictures of that are so precious to me. The feeling I got the first time Tim told me he loved me or the love I have for my friends in England or even the gratitude I have for every single friend that I have in my life isn't on any negative that I have. The moments of our lives and the experiences in them are amazing. In the midst of each day I hope I find at least one thing that cannot be described in a photo.
As the great people of Dividing the Plunder have said, "On the ordinary Common path of every day Are the extraordinary Steps we take in grace."

I miss Tim

It has been 32 days since I've seen my sweetie. (hopefully, I'll only have to wait 7 more to see him) Anywho, I just wanted someone to share this with. My friend and co-worker was complaining that she misses her bf because she hasn't seen him in two days. All the while, I'm thinking "Give me a break!" Tho, I'd probably be the same way if I didn't live 4 hours away from him. Just rambling......

Keep it Real.

A thousand thoughts race through my mind as I decide I need to write something, anything perhaps. I feel the urge to somehow attempt to express what it is I feel in the midst of my life right now.

I want a faith of my own. Not knowing exactly what that means or what faith really is I find myself saying, "Where can I find a dictionary?" when I'm almost certain that Webster's just won't suffice. I want to know what I believe and the reason to believe it. I realize there are not answers to all the questions of the world. But, I want enough understanding of what this life that God intended for me to live really looks like. I want to really get "IT". And IT being grace and what my identity in Christ is, and why God is ok with me when I screw up though I won't believe He is and will barely face myself in the mirror because if I shame myself maybe God will see that I'm sorry and will somehow be alright with me again. I want to believe that nothing I do can make God anymore pleased with me or more proud of me than he already is. I want to believe in the mystery that i am already made perfect. Though I can't see it, my Lord can't see anything but it. I want to grasp the whole concept of me not being able to earn my way into Heaven or being able to get any closer to God. It makes sense and I think it is true. I mean, if the Holy Spirit lives inside of me like it is promised; than how can I possibly get any closer than that? It's true, I just can't make it real in my life yet.

I want to know how I feel about communion and the number of times we should partake in a month's time. I want to know why it is a common practice to only (mostly) do the "church" thing on Sunday-and early in the morning at that! Does God not accept our praise on Thursdays at 5pm? How about Tuesdays at 6:30? Cuz I'm beginning to think he's quite ok with it. I want to know why my brother has written us all off as hypocrites and has left his life as a believer in the distant past. I want to know why we're so damn pious and we have the need to feel like we're right all the time. I want to be genuine and compassionate and loveing. I want to admit when I am wrong in a humble and honest way. I want to acknowledge that I probably look like a big fat hypocrite most or at least some of the time (especially to someone not willing to get to know me). But, I also want to trust that even though I screw up that that does not reflect the wholeness of God. Just because I screw up doesn't mean God forgot to do something when I became a believer. I want to be more concerned with the person rather than what it looks like if word gets out that this person does a lot of things they "shouldn't" do. I want to care more about the homosexual that doesn't know of Jesus' love or this thing called grace rather than perplexed and upset that a Christian can be a homosexual. I want to care more about them and how their life is than what it looks like for them to have homosexuality be apart of their life.

I want to not be so afraid of death. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I believe it, but why can't I take hold of it? I want to know what I should be doing right now in order to better my future and/or make life worth it right now. As it has been said, "I need a God who makes a difference, right now in my life right here." I know that I have that God...I just need to figure out how to go about thinking that this whole Christian thing is not only a ticket into heaven but it is also to make my life abundant right now. I want to live this life the way that God intended for me to live it.

"Help us to live in You. Help that to be enough." ~ben gregory