spinning 'round
We’re already a month into 2010, but I wanted to journal my reflections on the past year. Two thousand and nine brought with it many new and wonderful adventures as well as some difficult events to wade through. Many memories were made; some I love to remember and others I’d love to forget.
The year started off a bit rocky after Tim and I ended our relationship yet again. This stint was for about six months and I think we both knew the end was near. A few issues kept creeping into our conversations and never seemed to get resolved, fueling the constant nagging feeling that for whatever reason, no matter how much we loved each other, there were just some things that seemed to be keeping us from coming to the conclusion that we should be together. People say that when you know you just know. Well, we didn't "know" and after six plus years you really ought to know; I guess that gave us our answer after all. I do have to say that it has been incredibly difficult to navigate a friendship with him since there is so much history and everything there, but I think we're actually finding a way to make it work. The thing I love about our friendship is we'll call the other person out on something if we feel it warrants it, but it is done in love and in the other person's best interest. I know quite a few people find it strange, or impossible even, to be friends with an ex. I understand. I get it. There were many times that I wasn't sure we would. I'm not saying it has been easy or without mistakes. We have fumbled through like trying to find your way to the bathroom in the dark of night. I don't know what our friendship will look like in a few years, but right now I'm grateful for it and plan to savor the memories and moments we have as friends.
Speaking of guys...I gave the whole online dating thing a shot. There's a part of me that wishes I never would have stepped foot into that arena, but there's another part of me that is glad I put myself out there in hopes of something good. Honestly, Tim and I had been together off and on so long that I never really did jump into the dating scene much. I never realized it would be so difficult, so emotionally draining. I had a few great dates, a few duds, and quite a lot of energy and time spent thinking about where things stood, wondering what the other person was thinking and hating the idea that I couldn't just tell the other person my thoughts and feelings. I went blonde in 2009 for the first time in several years and found myself having kissed three different guys within a week's time. Do blondes really have more fun? Well, the kissing was alright, but all of the other emotions that came along for the ride weren't so alright. Add this to the list of things I'm not particularly proud of for the year. I made more than a few mistakes along the way when it came to the men of 2009. Those decisions are still being processed through, because I'm not sure I've learned my lesson just yet. This time I'd really rather not learn the lesson the hard way and instead choose to make wiser decisions on the front end of things. I'd like to figure out a way to "guard my heart for it is the wellspring of life" in a practical and applicable way when it comes to relationships.
Don't get me wrong...there were many great moments through the year. The biggest life change came about in April when I signed my name (several times) and purchased my first home. My closing was exactly one week after my best friend at work and a handful of other co-workers were laid off. I prayed about whether it was a good decision for me to follow through and if this might be a "sign" to put a stop to the decision. I didn't really get a prompting to change anything, so I continued with the decision and am feeling quite blessed. Homeownership has been a fairly easy transition mostly because I bought a townhome that is fairly new. I love my new space and have had a blast decorating and making it a home for me and Izzie. I even hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 15 or so people this year. Daniel made the turkey and as we were getting everything together I realized that we have definitely become adults and are stepping up instead of sitting by quietly.
This year, through the power of the internet and facebook, I have had the chance to reconnect with family members that I haven't seen in years. Relationships are being rebuilt after years and it is both humbling and amazing to watch and be a part of. Speaking of relationships: sometimes you see the darkest in the people you love the most. This happened at least once this year and it shook me to the core. It isn't something I'll soon forget and I'm still wondering if forgiveness has even happened. I do know that love still exists and that in itself is quite possibly the most surprising thing. Almost as surprising was what came about after that event were some incredibly honest and difficult conversations. The kind of conversations that shed light on your own history and the history of your family in ways that never would have been possible had something so terrible not happened. Apparently tragedy has a way of bringing people together. This was experienced again as my family dealt with the sudden death of my Uncle. My Dad's only brother and best friend committed suicide a week before Thanksgiving and the ripple affect of this is still being realized. There are still times when it doesn't seem real, yet I know it is.
One of my best friends moved with her husband to the sunshine state. It has been difficult not having her around to spend time with and continue building into that friendship, but I'm confident that our friendship will continue to be strong and will be a lifelong one. We were able to share some really great moments together this year including almost swimming in a white t-shirt. This Autumn I decided I needed to spend some time away with just me and God and chose to do that on a weekend road trip to Gatlinburg. The trip was both terrifying and freeing. There was a unrelenting, hard rain on the drive down and the entire first night which felt like what was happening to me internally. There were some things that I hadn't grieved over, some things I hadn't given up control of, and some things I needed to force myself to do on my own; apparently this is an ongoing process because I'm finding those things are still true today. I finally let myself start grieving the loss of a friendship; I'm still not sure how this friendship became what it is today. This person was someone I could be myself with, have incredibly deep and intimate conversations with, and jam to whatever random song happened to be playing on the radio. Even now just thinking about the loss I feel an overwhelming sadness. I don't want to let go of what we had. I don't understand why I should need to. Another friend decided to continue his journey to becoming a Franciscan. I’m still not sure I understand the appeal (seriously...you have to commit to being celibate the rest of your life. Who wants to sign up for that?). I miss him. I wish he were around so we could be a part of each other’s day-to-day lives. Two thousand and nine marked my 10 year anniversary of having graduated high school. Now that I think about it, that really is something to be celebrated but maybe not with the people you went to high school with. Anyhow, this also meant that I have been friends with my two best friends for 10 years since I met them in college. I can’t imagine life without them. Our lives have been intertwined for the past 10 years and I thank God for them every time I remember them.
In 2009 I stepped outside of what was easy and forced myself into situations that I knew would grow me and stretch me. In the spring I joined a small group through Crossroads for the all church journey. Community doesn't happen immediately, but takes effort and being intentional. I'm still hopeful. During the fall I was selected to participate in a pilot group for the single community. The topics and conversations were incredibly relevant and thought provoking. I know God used that group to teach me some things about my life. Being single is difficult at times. I'm just being honest here: It is incredibly difficult when you are one of the few people left in your group of friends that is single. Add to that the desire that you don't want to be single and would like to at some point in the near-ish future have children (and when I say near-ish I don’t mean that I’m hoping to get married and have kids in the next year or anything crazy). This year every circle of my friends grew to have children within them. Obviously I love kids. But, it changes things and will continue to change things. And, if we're not careful it will be a divider between the singles and marrieds, those with children and those without.
Getting involved more with Crossroads was something that had been on my heart for quite some time, so I'm glad I finally made some effort toward that goal. Finding my niche of where to volunteer at Crossroads will happen sometime in the near future. Another huge decision that finally came to light in 2009 was the decision to go to Mamelodi, South Africa with Crossroads. I've longed to go on this trip and am so excited that I have the opportunity to GO. There are some struggles that I'm having that has to do with the planning and preparations for the trip that I need to surrender control of; I'm finding I don’t do that very well. I believe God has put this desire to GO on my heart and I need to rest in the fact that He’s God and knows what is best for me.
In 2009 I continued to build into the relationships in my life that already exist and have even nurtured a few new ones. Watching my nieces and nephew grow always continues to amaze me. We blew bubbles on my back deck, went out for dinner, ate together, colored pictures together, took pictures with Ronald McDonald and with each other, tickled each other, and loved each other. I never want them to doubt my love for them.
The previous twelve months have been everything Life is filled with: heartache, joy, pain, disappointment, hope, laughter, tears, loss, growth, and love. I am confident 2010 will be filled with all of those things as well. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am full up with hope and love. May 2010 be for you and those you love as abundant as I know it can be.
The year started off a bit rocky after Tim and I ended our relationship yet again. This stint was for about six months and I think we both knew the end was near. A few issues kept creeping into our conversations and never seemed to get resolved, fueling the constant nagging feeling that for whatever reason, no matter how much we loved each other, there were just some things that seemed to be keeping us from coming to the conclusion that we should be together. People say that when you know you just know. Well, we didn't "know" and after six plus years you really ought to know; I guess that gave us our answer after all. I do have to say that it has been incredibly difficult to navigate a friendship with him since there is so much history and everything there, but I think we're actually finding a way to make it work. The thing I love about our friendship is we'll call the other person out on something if we feel it warrants it, but it is done in love and in the other person's best interest. I know quite a few people find it strange, or impossible even, to be friends with an ex. I understand. I get it. There were many times that I wasn't sure we would. I'm not saying it has been easy or without mistakes. We have fumbled through like trying to find your way to the bathroom in the dark of night. I don't know what our friendship will look like in a few years, but right now I'm grateful for it and plan to savor the memories and moments we have as friends.
Speaking of guys...I gave the whole online dating thing a shot. There's a part of me that wishes I never would have stepped foot into that arena, but there's another part of me that is glad I put myself out there in hopes of something good. Honestly, Tim and I had been together off and on so long that I never really did jump into the dating scene much. I never realized it would be so difficult, so emotionally draining. I had a few great dates, a few duds, and quite a lot of energy and time spent thinking about where things stood, wondering what the other person was thinking and hating the idea that I couldn't just tell the other person my thoughts and feelings. I went blonde in 2009 for the first time in several years and found myself having kissed three different guys within a week's time. Do blondes really have more fun? Well, the kissing was alright, but all of the other emotions that came along for the ride weren't so alright. Add this to the list of things I'm not particularly proud of for the year. I made more than a few mistakes along the way when it came to the men of 2009. Those decisions are still being processed through, because I'm not sure I've learned my lesson just yet. This time I'd really rather not learn the lesson the hard way and instead choose to make wiser decisions on the front end of things. I'd like to figure out a way to "guard my heart for it is the wellspring of life" in a practical and applicable way when it comes to relationships.
Don't get me wrong...there were many great moments through the year. The biggest life change came about in April when I signed my name (several times) and purchased my first home. My closing was exactly one week after my best friend at work and a handful of other co-workers were laid off. I prayed about whether it was a good decision for me to follow through and if this might be a "sign" to put a stop to the decision. I didn't really get a prompting to change anything, so I continued with the decision and am feeling quite blessed. Homeownership has been a fairly easy transition mostly because I bought a townhome that is fairly new. I love my new space and have had a blast decorating and making it a home for me and Izzie. I even hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 15 or so people this year. Daniel made the turkey and as we were getting everything together I realized that we have definitely become adults and are stepping up instead of sitting by quietly.
This year, through the power of the internet and facebook, I have had the chance to reconnect with family members that I haven't seen in years. Relationships are being rebuilt after years and it is both humbling and amazing to watch and be a part of. Speaking of relationships: sometimes you see the darkest in the people you love the most. This happened at least once this year and it shook me to the core. It isn't something I'll soon forget and I'm still wondering if forgiveness has even happened. I do know that love still exists and that in itself is quite possibly the most surprising thing. Almost as surprising was what came about after that event were some incredibly honest and difficult conversations. The kind of conversations that shed light on your own history and the history of your family in ways that never would have been possible had something so terrible not happened. Apparently tragedy has a way of bringing people together. This was experienced again as my family dealt with the sudden death of my Uncle. My Dad's only brother and best friend committed suicide a week before Thanksgiving and the ripple affect of this is still being realized. There are still times when it doesn't seem real, yet I know it is.
One of my best friends moved with her husband to the sunshine state. It has been difficult not having her around to spend time with and continue building into that friendship, but I'm confident that our friendship will continue to be strong and will be a lifelong one. We were able to share some really great moments together this year including almost swimming in a white t-shirt. This Autumn I decided I needed to spend some time away with just me and God and chose to do that on a weekend road trip to Gatlinburg. The trip was both terrifying and freeing. There was a unrelenting, hard rain on the drive down and the entire first night which felt like what was happening to me internally. There were some things that I hadn't grieved over, some things I hadn't given up control of, and some things I needed to force myself to do on my own; apparently this is an ongoing process because I'm finding those things are still true today. I finally let myself start grieving the loss of a friendship; I'm still not sure how this friendship became what it is today. This person was someone I could be myself with, have incredibly deep and intimate conversations with, and jam to whatever random song happened to be playing on the radio. Even now just thinking about the loss I feel an overwhelming sadness. I don't want to let go of what we had. I don't understand why I should need to. Another friend decided to continue his journey to becoming a Franciscan. I’m still not sure I understand the appeal (seriously...you have to commit to being celibate the rest of your life. Who wants to sign up for that?). I miss him. I wish he were around so we could be a part of each other’s day-to-day lives. Two thousand and nine marked my 10 year anniversary of having graduated high school. Now that I think about it, that really is something to be celebrated but maybe not with the people you went to high school with. Anyhow, this also meant that I have been friends with my two best friends for 10 years since I met them in college. I can’t imagine life without them. Our lives have been intertwined for the past 10 years and I thank God for them every time I remember them.
In 2009 I stepped outside of what was easy and forced myself into situations that I knew would grow me and stretch me. In the spring I joined a small group through Crossroads for the all church journey. Community doesn't happen immediately, but takes effort and being intentional. I'm still hopeful. During the fall I was selected to participate in a pilot group for the single community. The topics and conversations were incredibly relevant and thought provoking. I know God used that group to teach me some things about my life. Being single is difficult at times. I'm just being honest here: It is incredibly difficult when you are one of the few people left in your group of friends that is single. Add to that the desire that you don't want to be single and would like to at some point in the near-ish future have children (and when I say near-ish I don’t mean that I’m hoping to get married and have kids in the next year or anything crazy). This year every circle of my friends grew to have children within them. Obviously I love kids. But, it changes things and will continue to change things. And, if we're not careful it will be a divider between the singles and marrieds, those with children and those without.
Getting involved more with Crossroads was something that had been on my heart for quite some time, so I'm glad I finally made some effort toward that goal. Finding my niche of where to volunteer at Crossroads will happen sometime in the near future. Another huge decision that finally came to light in 2009 was the decision to go to Mamelodi, South Africa with Crossroads. I've longed to go on this trip and am so excited that I have the opportunity to GO. There are some struggles that I'm having that has to do with the planning and preparations for the trip that I need to surrender control of; I'm finding I don’t do that very well. I believe God has put this desire to GO on my heart and I need to rest in the fact that He’s God and knows what is best for me.
In 2009 I continued to build into the relationships in my life that already exist and have even nurtured a few new ones. Watching my nieces and nephew grow always continues to amaze me. We blew bubbles on my back deck, went out for dinner, ate together, colored pictures together, took pictures with Ronald McDonald and with each other, tickled each other, and loved each other. I never want them to doubt my love for them.
The previous twelve months have been everything Life is filled with: heartache, joy, pain, disappointment, hope, laughter, tears, loss, growth, and love. I am confident 2010 will be filled with all of those things as well. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am full up with hope and love. May 2010 be for you and those you love as abundant as I know it can be.
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