I'm glad it is the weekend. I get to see my girls tonight! fun stuff.

I'm not going to go into detail about everything that I feel right now. It is too confusing and exhausting. Regardless, I will be okay.

So, if we're being honest...

I would really like to know when love became not enough? All this time I thought if there was love then basically everything else would be secondary, after an authentic relationship in Christ. (Actually, I still believe this to be true) Why is this so difficult for me? I'd really like to just give in to my feelings and be with Tim. I hate feeling like I'm hurting him (or me).

I'm not looking for any advice. I just want a place to vent, and this happens to be the place I choose.

I had an interview today. I have essentially decided that I do not want to work in a call center, unless I absolutely have to. Maybe I'll start a list of jobs that I don't want and see where that gets me. I also received a written statement regarding my severence package. It turns out that I will get 9 weeks of pay (plus benefits) and outplacement services. So, that's good news. I'd be willing to give that up if I could just keep my job. I hate interviewing and looking for a job and everything that goes along with it.

I'm feeling stressed and hurt and lonely. I don't like it one bit. How's that for honesty?

Sillyness, part 1

1. I really enjoy reading blogs. I somehow feel more connected to the author of each individual blog.
2. I'm hungry. I just ate a clementine. (mary and marlene have me hooked on them)
3. I feel like my life is very much uncertain right now. Good and bad. Good because I can choose to do just about whatever my heart desires. Bad cuz I don't know what I want. (where to live, where to work, etc.)
4. I want to backpack through Europe, maybe even by myself. I think I'm too skeered.
5. I don't want to be rich. But, I hate being in debt!! It is such a burden.
6. I am a picky eater. I wish I liked a wider variety of foods, especially veggies.
7. Two people from work told me that they thought they knew what my dream job would be: a missionary. Fact is, I don't know what my dream job would be.
8. I love to cook. I want to learn how to cook more things.
9. It frustrates me that my mom has still not even started making me a quilt. She bought the material 2 1/2 years ago and promised she would make it.
10. I secretly wish I had more "grandma-y" grandma's. (and grandpa's)
11. I love Grandma Jo. (christine's grandma) and her pork roast is yummy!
12. I wish my brother's were more sensitive and caring.
13. I love people. I love being around my friends. Since I am shy (I sometimes have to force myself to be outgoing) I find it uncomfortable to be around new people.
14. Being around guys is especially uncomfortable (no matter what their marital status is). Probably has something to do with the way I view myself or something.
15. I love sappy "chick flicks" with happy endings.
16. I don't feel that I was (and am) very well educated.
17. I love hugs! (amoung the best huggers are: Tim, Christine, Ben)
18. My dad doesn't seem to think that my family is dysfunctional at all.
19. It is!
20. I want to be married and have kids.
21. My mom sends me about 10 forwards a week. I've contemplated blocking her. Instead, I have a new email account that she doesn't know about.
22. It is difficult to keep in touch with all the people I would like to. Actually, it's nearly impossible.
23. I lurve me some chocolate! mmmm.
24. I miss England.
25. I want to learn about photography and all that comes with it.

Free will

Should I go? Should I just stay at home? I'll be late if I go. I could just sleep. If I don't go I'll be missing out on seeing cool people and getting to worship with them and stuff and Ben's talking today.

So, I decided to go...to church. It was pretty amazing too. Got a huge hug from Heather that made me feel all warm and welcomed. :-) Good stuff. There was freedom in my worship, at least that's what I felt.

I thought I was doing well handling the whole relationship ending with Tim. Even though I thought about calling him a hundred times I forced myself not to. But, it didn't stop me from answering the phone when he called me. I miss him. I love him. I asked him how he was doing with this whole thing and he said the first day was pretty good and it has gotten worse every day since then. He went on to say that the more he thinks about how well I treated him, how comfortable he is with me...etc, etc.. the more he thinks about us. Even though my pretty insecure self likes to hear that he loves me and misses me and thinks about me I know that isn't going to help either of us get through this. We didn't get very far in the phone call before he had to go meet a friend. So, I imagine he will call sometime this week. I don't know how to respond to all of this in a good and healthy way. I'd appreciate your prayers for him and for me too.

I got to laugh at myself today! It is pretty icy in Cincinnati right now. On the way in to work this morning I slipped and fell in the parking lot. I wasn't hurt so I decided that laughing at myself was a better option instead of getting mad and irritated. hehe. It's still pretty funny!!!

A bit surreal

*deep breath* Today would mark the nine month anniversary of Tim and I dating. I say "would" because we broke up (I hate that phrase) yesterday morning. I'm at a loss for words right now.

To all my friends-Thank you! You guys make things a little more bearable. I love you all.

May God pour out his comfort and peace on us. I'll post more later.

"Tomorrow" turned into a month long absence...

Life is difficult sometimes (as you may tell from my previous post). Even though we're only 19 days into the new year I can tell that this year there will result in a lot of changes and hopefully a lot of growth. That said, I have many difficult and painful decisions to make.

Tim and I have been talking a lot about if we should really be together. It isn't that either of us have lost our love for one another. In fact, I'm quite certain that I will always love him (even if it isn't romantic love) despite the outcome. If we aren't meant to be together then the decision that has to be made will be more painful than I care to imagine. I don't want to give up everything that we have. He has become my best friend in a lot of ways (I hesitate to say "best" b/c I reserve that for Wiggy and my sister). He has been my comforter, encourager, motivator, prayer warrior, and my love. I love him. I love how he makes me feel. I love the security and warmth of his embrace. I love him caring for me and his honesty and his love. Even with all the things I love about him and our relationship there are obvious things that hinder our relationship. Things that are appearing more important or more of a problem than once thought.

I decided to stay at Great American until June 30th. That doesn't necessarily mean I will stay until that date (if I left earlier I would forgo a nice severance package) if I happen to find a promising job. I have no idea what I would like my next job and/or career to be. Should it be in the insurance field, ministry, or other? Should I move outside of Cincy? I need to move out of my place by the end of May or June. I will need to find a new place and new people to live with. Living with people can be difficult. I'm sick of having roommates that I never interact with and on the rare occasion I do see them the contact between us is very awkward. On the same note, I'm not sure I want to take on the risk of living with friends for fear of something going wrong and losing any type of relationship.

Needless to say, I have a lot going through my head lately. Pray for me. On a side note: I found out that a high school classmate of mine comitted suicide last week. It sadens me that they thought their life wasn't worth living anymore.