the end.

It isn't supposed to be this difficult or this sad. It is, after all, just a job. Although, I realize it was and is much more than that. There are people here that I will dearly miss sharing my life with. Some of them I will keep in touch with, for that I am grateful.

the realness scares me.

Watched "We Were Soldiers" last night with Holly and Lori. I knew going into it I would probably cry, it's just the way I am. I didn't know that it was going to affect me so much. We sat there, all three of us, eyes focused on the tv, trying to make sense of it all when all we could really do was express our emotions and come into a deeper knowledge of the costs of war. I thought back to when the War in Iraq began and how scared I was. There was some mention of a draft (rumor maybe?) and that frightened me. My four brothers were all of age, with the youngest just over eighteen. Eighteen. A child in some eyes and a soldier in others. Another one had just ended his service as a Marine less than two years before this all started. Could they make him go back? In the end none of my brothers were sent to war. I was grateful. I realize now, even more than I did then, that someone's brother was sent to war. Someone's father, someone's husband, and someone's son. I am ashamed that I was ever so flippant about the war. People died. Yet somehow, ironically even, life goes on. A part of me wants to believe that the movies was just a movie. However, I know the truth. And I know that war has a cost that is hard to bear.

It is a bit of a coincidence that a few days from now we will be celebrating "July 4th" as most of us call it. However, this year I will be celebrating Independence Day and I will be grateful for the men and women who have been a part of keeping this country's freedom.

i'm weird...

:-) hehe. on my way home last night I went from listening to what holly calls ghetto music to some country thing and then to some patty.

my goodbye to GAFRI

Hi Everyone,
It is hard to believe that three and a half years have past since I first started working here. I've enjoyed being a part, even if a small one, of your life throughout that time. I'm glad I've shared in on the birthdays, baby announcements, accomplishments, and more over the years. Looking back on all the great memories I know I am going to miss working with you all. I wish each of you the best for whatever your future holds!
Love,
Dana :-)

I like 'em

Caught up on the newest DtP stuff via their website. I've erased what I was going to write like 6 times b/c I can't think of a way to describe how neat they are. they're great and I like 'em lots. :-)

Some things never change

I sat down on the front porch to enjoy the beautiful weather and my dinner. I also enjoyed watching a game of kickball put on the by the kids from my street. A few minutes of a fun-filled game were crashed by the "you're a crybaby" and "I quit". Next someone stepped in to 'fix' things. A few minutes later a mom called for her kids to come inside. The pleading began, "Just a few more minutes" answered with a stern "no" from the mom. "Please" they cried. Again the mom said, "no". The kids wanted an explanation, "Why?!" They received the same response that my brothers and I always received, "because I said so!" I just sat there peacefully eating my salad and giggling to myself. I have a feeling they'll be back tomorrow, no hurt feelings, just an excitement to enjoy life together.

strange

A few weeks ago I came across a letter that an old friend from Dayton had written me. It was the only letter I'd ever received from him. I read it again, just like I had that first time, and it left me feeling sad and a bit helpless that he was going through a difficult time in his life. Without remembering exactly what I wrote some four or five years ago; I do remember thinking of the short conversation we had while we lived on the farm about his beliefs, or lack of actually. He claimed he was an atheist and that boggled my mind.

Finding his letter again brought back a lot of good memories. He wasn't what I would call a great friend to me. Actually, he could be kind of a jerk sometimes. As I tried to go to sleep that night I couldn't stop thinking about that letter and wondering how he was doing. I decided to put an end to my insomnia and write him. I wanted him to know that I cared about how he was doing and that I hoped his life was going well. I wanted to be genuine and caring with him, what I think I missed with that long ago conversation that we had. I gave him my address, phone number, and email address thinking that he probably wouldn't call me but would maybe write. I took it back and forth to work with me for a good week before putting a stamp on it. As I took it to the mailbox I coaxed myself with the thoughts that if I didn't send it I would end up regreting it later.

I opened up my email this morning to find an email from him that I nearly deleted because there wasn't a sender's name and just an "re" for a subject line. Lots of big things have happened since the last time we talked. Just from reading the email I could tell that he has matured since his last letter. He even included pictures of himself and his girlfriend, which you can imagine I was very excited about! I found out that he has a two year old son and is getting ready to go to court to get custody back from his ex-girlfriend. He talked about his cars and a few other little things. He's living with his girlfriend now. He never appeared to be a very affectionate guy but I actually thought, "awww, that's so sweet" when I read what he wrote about her.

I haven't decided what I'm going to write back. I mean, really, there's a lot to catch up on...

add to that

Did I mention that I'm out of a job in two weeks time. Yeah, that's scaring the hell out of me. More than I initially thought. I don't want to find another job. I'm pretending to be okay with it. I keep pretending that it isn't a big deal. That is, until I realized today that it is only two weeks away and I have only barely begun to start the job hunt.

again...

The anxious, worried, helpless feeling creeps back into my life again. So many questions go unanswered. I'm not sure I'm able to articulate anything of importance lately. On my commute this morning I pondered what I really want for my life. Heavy stuff for the morning, right? I'm thinking I want my life to be about living life abunduntly surrounded by people I love and learning to live and love as much as possible. Sounds a bit like a corny mission statement, hopefully it proves to be helpful. I don't know where I am at at the moment. When I allow myself to think about things, rather than just going through the motions of life, I feel like I'm caught in this constant limbo. It all feels a bit akward and overwhelmingly scary. I feel that a majority of my friends don't even know that I am in this sort of turmoil between what is true and what I thought was true and how it all colors my life.

I've decided...

that I have too much stuff to say to keep it all in. If friendship is going to have depth and be long-standing it needs honesty at its core. With that said, I have decided to continue blogging and try to be as honest (tho polite) as possible. The next few entries will probably be me trying to write down everthing that has happened in the last three weeks which could be some pretty random thoughts. Peace to you.