random thoughts

I've sat here for the last half hour trying to find words to express my thoughts. Here goes:

I keep thinking about the decisions I've made over the last year or two, or even the non-decisions ultimately being a decision. Where would my life be right now if I hadn't screwed up so badly? I'm trying not to have any regrets, but at this moment it is a bit hard. I realize now that I jumped into something that I wasn't ready for and knew it all along. I lied to myself, my friends, and my family, even without really thinking I was lying. How did I lose myself through all of this? Why has it taken me this long to realize this? And how the hell do I pick myself back up, dust myself off, and really seek whatever it is that I'm seeking. I haven't even decided what I need to be looking for. Is it what makes me me? Is it answers for solidifying my faith, whatever that means? Is it to determine what I should be doing with my life?

Follow along for more ramblings...
I believe that I would be most fulfilled in doing something in the way of helping others. I'm not sure how that will play out. I know that I really enjoyed spending time with the kids in England and with the kids back here in Price Hill during Friday Fun Night. I have thought about being a part of Big Brothers, Big Sisters (or even something like it).

Over the last several months I feel as though I have completely pushed away most things having to do with my relationship with God (even writing that phrase seems foreign). I think that there has been stirring in my heart and brain to tread into new territory (finally). Part of this searching, or rather hopeless feeling, is probably a result of wanting answers to questions like 'Why do I believe what I believe?' and 'Do I really believe what I think I believe?'

Just a few days ago I was thinking about divorce and what a huge impact it has. I know that I want to be married someday. But, I also know that I need to be wiser about the decisions I make regarding relationships and I also know that I want to not make a huge life-changing decision just because I am "in love". I want to be my own person with the ability to share all of myself with another person in a balanced, healthy, and loving relationship. ending that tangent now....back to divorce... So, I find out yesterday that my Aunt and Uncle are divorcing. It really is so sad. They've been married eleven years this November. Apparently, one of them needs more affection and love shown in that type of way wheras the other doesn't need as much. I don't know how, but somehow, they've come to the conclusion that this can't be worked out. (of course this isn't the whole story and I'm sure there is a ton that has been left out) But if, just if, this is the main reason for their divorce why can't they see that maybe this can be worked out. Why do we give up so easily? Did I mention my two little cousins? One is 10 and the other just five. I hate the affect that this divorce is going to have on their life.

My soon to be Sister in Law, Julie, is dealing with the death of her father right now. He had brain cancer, I believe, and died Friday morning. I can't even imagine what she is going through.

I feel better since my last post. I haven't been keeping a journal and think that writing a few of my thoughts has helped. Also, I'm only a few pages from being done with the book. This is one of those books that I think I should re-read when it's over to make sure I didn't miss anything and to make sure I remember it all.

I'm determined to watch The Notebook this week, even if that means that I go to the theater by myself (something I've never done).

Yes, things are much better. I had a difficult conversation with my mom yesteday on the drive down to Somerset. more on that later....