strenuous month

(sorry I was sick of the word difficult)

I don't even know where to begin. I continue to hear myself saying "just make it til the 5th and you'll be okay". It isn't even simply the weddings, it's everything. It is all the emotions that I've pushed to the side and even thinking about them now brings tears to my eyes. I feel so stagnant, but I don't know that I can handle much more at this point.

I saw my Grandpa last Sunday. He looked like a different person. So strange. I don't know how to handle life when people you love or people you've known all your life and feel like you should love die.

I'm done. I hope to write more when I'm capable of articulating my thoughts.