I've realized that it is difficult being real with people. I mean, I am generally honest with people and share lots of things that are going on in my life with people. I find that the closer I come to being completely myself and sharing ALL of myself and not just the bits and pieces that I know people will be ok with the more vulnerable I become to how other people are going to perceive me or accept me or even love me. I think that it isn't healthy to be completely open with all of my feelings and thoughts, etc. with EVERYone. "guard your heart for it is the very wellspring of life" or something like that...
I haven't posted why I am/was/am (goes back and forth) brokenhearted for fear of other people's perception of me. But, I also realize that I need to be ok with all of me. Some part of me feels that in order to do that I need to let other into my life a little more.
Am I scared? yes.
Do I think it will be worth it? Yes.
All that to say this....
A little more of what has been going on in my life lately....a lot of it has to do with my relationship with Tim, the reason for the "brokenhearted" post earlier this week.
We ended our relationship (again) on Sunday night. As much as any break up can be good, it was. I tried not to blog about Tim after we broke up in January mostly because we only lasted about a week of not talking. Of course Tim being the way he is we didn't "officially" start going back out. I don't really care it it was/wasn't official. I didn't want to blog because I felt like there would be some people ready to tell me what a wrong decision I was making or whatever. I suppose I could have been stronger and I could have quit talking to him and I could have just left things the way they were back in January. But, I didn't and neither did he. I didn't want to. There it is, in black and white. I don't know if it was a wise decision or not. Fact is, I don't much care at the moment because there is nothing I can do to change it. I am somewhat thankful that we were able to talk about everything face-to-face this past weekend. As difficult as it was, it was also freeing and comforting. To know that he loves me and doesn't want this relationship to end any more than I do has made it a bit easier to handle. I still wake up at 4am and then realize that he hasn't called and won't be calling. These past few days have been okay; neither terribly bad nor terribly good.
I'm starting to get worried about moving. Ayesha and I have decided to be roommates, which is great. But, the place we want/and have applied for is a 3BR that we won't be able to afford with just the two of us. So that begins the great search for a roommate. OOOOH, how I hate trying to deal with this! Plus, I'll probably have to stay at my place until May 31st and move into the other place on or before May 1st. That means I'll be paying rent for 2 different places AND an extra month's deposit. ALSO, I'm stressed that my current roommates won't actually pay their utility bills. (mostly my fault for not taking care of it properly) All of this just adds up to mucho stress for me, and I hate it! Add to that I actually have to pack all my junk and move it (for the 4th time in 5 years, I think). I was looking at houses online yesterday. I don't really know why other than to torture myself. If I could have someone commit with me for 5-10 years we could buy a decent (fixer-upper maybe) somewhere around here for cheap. Oh well.
Anywho....does anyone need a place to live for a year starting in May? :-)
We have a meeting in an hour to talk about "hours" at work. I'm afraid that they're going to want to cut back our hours or something like that. It isn't something that I can really afford to do. If that happens I suppose I'll be looking for a job sooner than I thought. I've actually been thinking about getting a second job. I hate doing that but it might be a good decision. That way I'd be able to get some finances taken care of.
Well, there you have it; a little update on my life. (sorry for all the incorrect grammar and punctuation)
Ben, Holly, Kristen and Christine....Thank you.
