spinning 'round

We’re already a month into 2010, but I wanted to journal my reflections on the past year. Two thousand and nine brought with it many new and wonderful adventures as well as some difficult events to wade through. Many memories were made; some I love to remember and others I’d love to forget.

The year started off a bit rocky after Tim and I ended our relationship yet again. This stint was for about six months and I think we both knew the end was near. A few issues kept creeping into our conversations and never seemed to get resolved, fueling the constant nagging feeling that for whatever reason, no matter how much we loved each other, there were just some things that seemed to be keeping us from coming to the conclusion that we should be together. People say that when you know you just know. Well, we didn't "know" and after six plus years you really ought to know; I guess that gave us our answer after all. I do have to say that it has been incredibly difficult to navigate a friendship with him since there is so much history and everything there, but I think we're actually finding a way to make it work. The thing I love about our friendship is we'll call the other person out on something if we feel it warrants it, but it is done in love and in the other person's best interest. I know quite a few people find it strange, or impossible even, to be friends with an ex. I understand. I get it. There were many times that I wasn't sure we would. I'm not saying it has been easy or without mistakes. We have fumbled through like trying to find your way to the bathroom in the dark of night. I don't know what our friendship will look like in a few years, but right now I'm grateful for it and plan to savor the memories and moments we have as friends.

Speaking of guys...I gave the whole online dating thing a shot. There's a part of me that wishes I never would have stepped foot into that arena, but there's another part of me that is glad I put myself out there in hopes of something good. Honestly, Tim and I had been together off and on so long that I never really did jump into the dating scene much. I never realized it would be so difficult, so emotionally draining. I had a few great dates, a few duds, and quite a lot of energy and time spent thinking about where things stood, wondering what the other person was thinking and hating the idea that I couldn't just tell the other person my thoughts and feelings. I went blonde in 2009 for the first time in several years and found myself having kissed three different guys within a week's time. Do blondes really have more fun? Well, the kissing was alright, but all of the other emotions that came along for the ride weren't so alright. Add this to the list of things I'm not particularly proud of for the year. I made more than a few mistakes along the way when it came to the men of 2009. Those decisions are still being processed through, because I'm not sure I've learned my lesson just yet. This time I'd really rather not learn the lesson the hard way and instead choose to make wiser decisions on the front end of things. I'd like to figure out a way to "guard my heart for it is the wellspring of life" in a practical and applicable way when it comes to relationships.

Don't get me wrong...there were many great moments through the year. The biggest life change came about in April when I signed my name (several times) and purchased my first home. My closing was exactly one week after my best friend at work and a handful of other co-workers were laid off. I prayed about whether it was a good decision for me to follow through and if this might be a "sign" to put a stop to the decision. I didn't really get a prompting to change anything, so I continued with the decision and am feeling quite blessed. Homeownership has been a fairly easy transition mostly because I bought a townhome that is fairly new. I love my new space and have had a blast decorating and making it a home for me and Izzie. I even hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 15 or so people this year. Daniel made the turkey and as we were getting everything together I realized that we have definitely become adults and are stepping up instead of sitting by quietly.

This year, through the power of the internet and facebook, I have had the chance to reconnect with family members that I haven't seen in years. Relationships are being rebuilt after years and it is both humbling and amazing to watch and be a part of. Speaking of relationships: sometimes you see the darkest in the people you love the most. This happened at least once this year and it shook me to the core. It isn't something I'll soon forget and I'm still wondering if forgiveness has even happened. I do know that love still exists and that in itself is quite possibly the most surprising thing. Almost as surprising was what came about after that event were some incredibly honest and difficult conversations. The kind of conversations that shed light on your own history and the history of your family in ways that never would have been possible had something so terrible not happened. Apparently tragedy has a way of bringing people together. This was experienced again as my family dealt with the sudden death of my Uncle. My Dad's only brother and best friend committed suicide a week before Thanksgiving and the ripple affect of this is still being realized. There are still times when it doesn't seem real, yet I know it is.

One of my best friends moved with her husband to the sunshine state. It has been difficult not having her around to spend time with and continue building into that friendship, but I'm confident that our friendship will continue to be strong and will be a lifelong one. We were able to share some really great moments together this year including almost swimming in a white t-shirt. This Autumn I decided I needed to spend some time away with just me and God and chose to do that on a weekend road trip to Gatlinburg. The trip was both terrifying and freeing. There was a unrelenting, hard rain on the drive down and the entire first night which felt like what was happening to me internally. There were some things that I hadn't grieved over, some things I hadn't given up control of, and some things I needed to force myself to do on my own; apparently this is an ongoing process because I'm finding those things are still true today. I finally let myself start grieving the loss of a friendship; I'm still not sure how this friendship became what it is today. This person was someone I could be myself with, have incredibly deep and intimate conversations with, and jam to whatever random song happened to be playing on the radio. Even now just thinking about the loss I feel an overwhelming sadness. I don't want to let go of what we had. I don't understand why I should need to. Another friend decided to continue his journey to becoming a Franciscan. I’m still not sure I understand the appeal (seriously...you have to commit to being celibate the rest of your life. Who wants to sign up for that?). I miss him. I wish he were around so we could be a part of each other’s day-to-day lives. Two thousand and nine marked my 10 year anniversary of having graduated high school. Now that I think about it, that really is something to be celebrated but maybe not with the people you went to high school with. Anyhow, this also meant that I have been friends with my two best friends for 10 years since I met them in college. I can’t imagine life without them. Our lives have been intertwined for the past 10 years and I thank God for them every time I remember them.

In 2009 I stepped outside of what was easy and forced myself into situations that I knew would grow me and stretch me. In the spring I joined a small group through Crossroads for the all church journey. Community doesn't happen immediately, but takes effort and being intentional. I'm still hopeful. During the fall I was selected to participate in a pilot group for the single community. The topics and conversations were incredibly relevant and thought provoking. I know God used that group to teach me some things about my life. Being single is difficult at times. I'm just being honest here: It is incredibly difficult when you are one of the few people left in your group of friends that is single. Add to that the desire that you don't want to be single and would like to at some point in the near-ish future have children (and when I say near-ish I don’t mean that I’m hoping to get married and have kids in the next year or anything crazy). This year every circle of my friends grew to have children within them. Obviously I love kids. But, it changes things and will continue to change things. And, if we're not careful it will be a divider between the singles and marrieds, those with children and those without.

Getting involved more with Crossroads was something that had been on my heart for quite some time, so I'm glad I finally made some effort toward that goal. Finding my niche of where to volunteer at Crossroads will happen sometime in the near future. Another huge decision that finally came to light in 2009 was the decision to go to Mamelodi, South Africa with Crossroads. I've longed to go on this trip and am so excited that I have the opportunity to GO. There are some struggles that I'm having that has to do with the planning and preparations for the trip that I need to surrender control of; I'm finding I don’t do that very well. I believe God has put this desire to GO on my heart and I need to rest in the fact that He’s God and knows what is best for me.

In 2009 I continued to build into the relationships in my life that already exist and have even nurtured a few new ones. Watching my nieces and nephew grow always continues to amaze me. We blew bubbles on my back deck, went out for dinner, ate together, colored pictures together, took pictures with Ronald McDonald and with each other, tickled each other, and loved each other. I never want them to doubt my love for them.

The previous twelve months have been everything Life is filled with: heartache, joy, pain, disappointment, hope, laughter, tears, loss, growth, and love. I am confident 2010 will be filled with all of those things as well. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am full up with hope and love. May 2010 be for you and those you love as abundant as I know it can be.

you push and pull

You act as though I don't notice the constant push and pull that you keep playing with my heart. I've been patient, so very patient. I've been forgiving, so very forgiving. For what, I'm not sure. I keep thinking that the way you're acting isn't really who you are and that you're simply confused and that you have so much going on in your life and whatnot. I don't know why I am even buying into these things. I've let myself believe them every time you pull me back closer. That is, until a few days later when you push me away. Then, I'm left with so much frustration, mostly directed at myself for letting you into my life once again. I say, "I'm done" and try to believe it.

This isn't the kind of relationship that I desire. This is not the kind of relationship I deserve. I don't understand this anymore. I don't understand why I'm so drawn to you. I don't understand why I keep letting myself get hurt by you.

Either you're in this or you're not. Make up your damn mind. And, if you're in this...then, really be in this. I know you're capable. Somehow, I know this to be true. That's what keeps me holding on by a thread. I think that I see the real you. The man that I know you are capable of being and that is incredibly appealing.

There's a decision to be made. If that decision happens to be you telling me you don't think this will work and that things need to end, then I won't be around to answer your texts or phone calls. I won't be around 4 days or 9 days or 12 days later. I will continue to wish the best for you. And, I will know that for some reason or another our paths crossed and for that I will be thankful. There will be no bitterness. There will be no heartache. There will be no regret.

"to pass hope back and forth among one another that Life can be better in this world: that it's worth our tears and sweat and failures...And to remind each other that being with another human with confidence and quiet gentleness is the most difficult and beautiful thing we could experience." ~tasha

This is what I've tried to convey with my actions. Love is messy, risky and incredible worthwhile; so, no, there will be no regret for I have given of myself in hopes of love.

play count

So, 2009 was the first full year that I've had my laptop and thus, itunes. I think that means it is time to reflect by seeing the songs I played the most. Though, to be fair, there are many, many new songs that just haven't had the time to make it to the top yet.

Here they are in all their glory.

1. Shut up & let me go by the Ting Tings...785 (I do love this song, but this must've been on repeat by mistake for umm, several hours)
2. In the Silence by Jason Upton...68
3. I'm Sorry by Ellery...62
4. Suitcase by OTR...56
5. Pieces by Ellery...51
6. Hot N Cold by Katy Perry...49
7. Entertaining Thoughts by OTR...49
8. Venetian Blue by Shawn Colvin...49
9. Burgundy Shoes by Patty Griffin...48
10. Inside My Head by Ellery...47
11. Down to the River to Pray by Allison Kraus...46
12. Keeps Gettin' Better by Christina Aguilera...45
13. 1 2 3 4 by Feist...44
14. The Moon by Joshua Payne...44
15. Your Love, My Home by Joshua Payne...43
16. Be Like This by Ellery...42
17. Track 12 (AKA The Long Day is Over by Norah Jones)...42
18. Come Away with me by Norah Jones...40
19. Even Here We Are by Shawn Colvin...40
20. Track 7 (AKA I Need Words by David Crowder Band)...40
21. Lay Your Head Down by Ellery...39
22. Wake Up Dear by Ellery...39
23. The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson...39
24. Track 19 (AKA You Are Not Alone by Patty Griffin)...39
25. Maybe it's Faith by Dividing the Plunder (Ellery)...37

For what it's worth...I own all the Ellery albums, quite a few of OTR's and the rest are just fillers. And, my itunes is almost always on shuffle.
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test blog

testing. 1, 2, 3.

so long summer...

I don't know how I keep forgetting that writing and reading quality books is actually healthy and necessary for me. April 23rd I bough my first home; it still seems surreal, but I'm settling in more day by day. I think I like it here. :) Izzie definitely loves it here. She pounces around and jumps from the stairs and tries to sneak into my bedroom when I'm not paying attention (but that part isn't really new). May and June flew by with work and with house stuff and obsessing and daydreaming about decorating. And boys. Yeah, the last few months have been interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I've met a few interesting characters. Every time I almost temporarily give up on the whole dating scene something/someone draws me back in. We'll see how long that lasts; I think a hiatus is in the works if the few that I'm currently chatting with fizzle out. And, July, sweet July. We celebrated my birthday. Had a fond farewell to my good friends Jen and Tobin, while I tried to completely ignore how much I would miss them. Somehow August came and has since slipped through my fingers. There were a few amazingly perfect moments in August that I will remember fondly. September is just around the corner and that means that summer is coming to a close.

So, what I'm learning about myself is that I don't let go easily. I think I've known this for quite some time, but am only just admitting to it. This mostly applies to people. Well, maybe that's not so true. Hmm. Other people label this as "change" and that "change" is actually difficult for everyone. In the ebb and flow of life and of relationships it is really difficult for me to not think about how things were when they were better, when my relationships were closer and felt more valued (is that the ebb part as opposed to the flow part?)

A guy recently asked me about the past six months of my relationship with God. I haven't replied yet (there is a legitimate reason in addition to the fact that I'm not sure he's up for the honest answer b/c that isn't something you can't sum up in a few short sentences). Tonight I went to Crossroads and the idea of the night was Remembering and Redemption. Oh, God you're funny. Yes, so I need to remember how far I've come in the last six months and know that there is redemption there for the times that I can't seem to follow through on what I know I need and instead make some unwise decisions. Brian mentioned one definition of redemption could be taking what you've given and God exchanging that for something better.

***
The next adventure for me (as if home purchasing and dating weren't enough) will be traveling to Mamelodi, South Africa with a few hundred other people from Crossroads in the Spring of 2010. I have thought about this for the last few years and can hardly believe that it's all coming to light. If the next six months is anything like the past six months I know that I'll be in Africa before I've even prepared myself. Because I know that keeping a written journal is a good thing and I doubt I'll actually take the time and effort to put pen to paper I'm going to go ahead and start doing this with a new blog. The first post is already up. Go on, check it out. :)

This brings me to another good point: this blog will soon be hidden from my blog list. I think I'll keep this one around because I see no reason not to. I'm not sure how often I'll post on here since I'll definitely be posting on the other one. But, I want to open up the other blog to more of a wider range of people, which shouldn't mean much except I know that sometimes it is best to be careful to have some boundaries with some people (for example: people I work with...when I have a bad day and complain about it on my blog I don't want them to be upset by that and take it personally and I still want to have the outlet to write what I'm feeling without censoring myself even more than I already do).

A little pep in my step...

People have been so kind and encouraging lately. I got the great news about the house (they accepted my offer) right after I chopped about 10 inches from my hair and got some highlights. I am beginning to like the cut, am still a bit unsure about the color, but figure next time I can make it darker (it’s REALLY blonde). It felt like a day of new beginnings and it was St. Patty’s day, so I like to think that the luck of the Irish was with me. ;)

Friends, co-workers, and family are all really happy for me and excited. It’s been really amazing! And, I can’t believe how many compliments I’ve gotten on my hair! What a way to make a girl feel good. Then, today, someone that works on my floor kind of pulled me aside and said, “you must be doing something…I can tell that you’re slimming down”. I’m totally not (yet), but it doesn’t hurt to receive a compliment.

And, there's a rumor going around that I may or may not be chatting with someone (or a few someones) online. ya know, just a rumor.

should I stay or should I go?

I guess it isn't a matter of should I, but rather when should I? When should I move? My plan was to stay here until I bought a house, but it doesn't look like that is how things are going to work now. The house I live in is now in foreclosure and I don't know when they will make us leave. If I knew this piece of information it would make planning quite a bit easier.

I do think I've found some very good prospects for where I'm going to live next. I've been toying with the idea of buying a house, and while I don't feel completely uneasy about it, I also don't feel a real sense of peace about it. I'll keep thinking, looking and praying, but for now I think I should just wait. Maybe that will happen next year.

happy december

Snow is falling just outside my window, There's no turning back now, is there? I suppose that I should just come to terms with the fact that cold weather is here to stay. Or at least here to stay for the next several months. It sure is peaceful and pretty though.

Consumed.

Questions and thoughts keep piercing my heart. Of few things I am confident; fewer things than an evening before. What are you left with when everything is taken away? Shadows of me linger in this darkness. Is truth something I’ve been hiding from? It chases after and yet somehow is still fleeting. I can feel myself becoming jaded wondering if any of it really matters or if love can withstand.

Some words that have been haunting me these last few months:

“I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening”

~Missy Higgins

yumm-o

I’m a busy woman, just look at my calendar. The busy-ness is really starting to wear on me. I’m trying to muddle through just a bit longer, at least until I’m debt free. The opportunities to cook come few and far between. Some weeks I’ll only cook once and then I’ll have a weekend day off (a rarity, I tell ya) and do some marathon cooking with three or more dishes (other times it simply is popcorn and pizza or a sandwich). The house is in constant disarray and when I do have a few free moments I tend to completely zone out on the couch while watching bad tv for several hours. The laundry gets done sporadically (when I run out of clean clothes or towels) and the dishes pile up until I can’t stand looking at my counters being completely cluttered. I would be ashamed if anyone saw my place in the state that it is in at the moment.

Anyhow, that was all mostly to say that I really need to cook more often; for my health, my sanity, and my change purse. With inspiration from this chick, I’m going to institute a one-day-a-week crock-pot cooking day. Her goal of cooking something in the crockpot is a bit too intense for me, but I could enjoy an easy meal in the crockpot once a week without much effort added to shopping or searching for recipes. I originally thought about doing it on a specific day every week, but thought that might be a bit too restrictive with my schedule.

Join me. It’ll be fun. And, hopefully yummy.